Screw Intelllectual Titles Life Sucks

No one to my knowledge reads what I write anymore and the fact I have not been writing does not aid in that, but given I want to vent somewhere I figured here is as good of place as any. This is the summer of my senior year. I should be having a jovial time making memories with my friends that I shall soon be departing from to go off to college. I should be having what is made out to be in every teen movie ever, the best summer of my life. That is far from how things have been going…Instead in late June I was in a car accident, now I know I have done more than my fair share of whining over it thus far, but as selfish as it sounds I don’t care. I managed to walk away from being rear-ended at about fifty-five miles an hour by a pickup truck whilst in my four door sedan unscathed save a bruise and some scratches on my wrist. Internally however, a lot of the soft tissue in my back and neck was shredded as well as I got several partially herniated discs, as the doctor currently believes test results are pending, and finally most of the muscles seized in my back, neck and head putting me in some extreme pain. That is not what is getting to me, I have been dealing with pain for years so that is just a new kind of it to add to the repertoire. What really is getting to me is this isolation. For two years now I have been essentially able to travel where I wanted when I wanted both because of the need to not pay for gas and the free time I have accrued. Now I am rather barred from the world and thus my friends as they are mostly younger and thus cannot either drive or drive another person and so I have been getting progressively more depressed as I go through the same insipid monotony each day. I feel terrible in general because of my inability for exercise which does not aid the situation because until just recently I was told to avoid it totally which is something that is difficult for me as I have always had a problem with self appearances. It also does not help that I react adversely to medication so the medication, valium, that I am currently on instead of relaxing me actually extenuates my tension as well as makes me exponentially more irritable which is not hard to do given that quite usually the only times I have been out of the house in the last weeks are either for doctor appointments where he tells me there is nothing more to do but rest and physical therapy where a large Austrian man with a build similar to that of Arnold Schwarzenegger pounds relentlessly on my back and puts me in more pain than previously in the attempted “physical therapy”. I have been feeling so totally useless because everyone has been going through something of the other in the past weeks and I have always been the one to bring them baked goods and comfort them and help them through whatever the problem is, but now I am left grasping at straws trying to make some impact while dealing with my own situation. It also does not help a lot of my friends are “paired off” as you will so when they do find time to escape their lives they invariably choose their other and so that brings me full circle to where I am progressively feeling worse not only physically, but everything going on now is driving me mad in a very literal sense. It also doesn’t help that if there is some social gathering that I am indeed invited to, there are a series of three people that have very much hurt me in the past that I have trouble being around now as foolish as it may sound, but they each put me through a rather bad point in my life, but the problem in lies that my friends are in large part friends with those three people so if I do manage to set everything up and attend a social event I feel largely awkward not only because as previously stated most of my friends are paired off leaving me as usually a proverbial seventh wheel, but also highly uncomfortable to be around those three people. I have 33 days until I have move in day for college, my question now is with how things have gone thus far…will anyone give a care that I am gone and will I be able to make it another 33 days? Honestly I don’t know. I will write one way or another if things improve or decline.

~ by Mr. Cynic on July 21, 2009.